It was great to have a purpose and be around people and part of a community. I am wondering if I would like living communally permanently. I felt so privileged to be leader, part of God's work and able to see him work. The Q&A session was powerful, also upsetting. I still need to learn to forgive myself for what I perceive as stupidity and naivety. Had a really great chat with my room-mate about depression and Christianity and life. I realised that I'm not the only Christian who has been or is depressed- ergo I am not a terrible Christian. I discovered that people I have looked up to and respected and even been jealous of have been depressed. I also began to realise that having a job, or money to go out, wouldn't necessarily have prevented me from being depressed. I can stop wondering why God didn't allow me the simple things I believe would have kept me happy. I wonder if maybe He wanted me to rely on Him.
I also for the first time how disgustingly sinful I am. That might sound harsh to some, but I am so full of pride and selfishness and arrogance that deep down I am not a nice person. I judge people and deem them unworthy of their gifts from God, really we are all unworthy and God is graceful. These are things I have heard so many times but there is a difference between knowing and understanding.
This weekend God definitely spoke about fully understanding truths that we may have grown up with. He also wants us to love Him with our hearts and not to rely on legalism or our own efforts.
'It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect. '
Psalm 18:32
On Tuesday I attended a trial shift at the Music Shop to discover I am one of two people in the running for the job. God is great because I don't have any musical talent or sales experience. If I get the job the glory will be all God's because I have very little to recommend me for the job. If I get the job because the other candidate doesn't get in touch then I have done nothing to get the job. What appears to be fluke or luck to some, I see as God working miracles in my life. Suddenly I begin to wonder if this was God's plan. If I had gained a job I was qualified for I would have felt I earned it on my own merits. The possibility of getting a job I am not necessarily qualified for makes me see any job as an undeserved gift from God. Has this past year of failings been God hammering down my arrogance, self reliance and self righteousness? I am going to be careful about speculating, I have done so many times before and ended up wrong and disappointed. You can't second guess God.
OK so 5 things to be thankful for (other than the afore mentioned)
1: Monday Night with Debs
2: Food (the food over the weekend was immense)
3: Evening with my Dad, and it not being painful.
4: Being back with my family again.
5: The Internet.
Praise the Lord for the little things.
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