Questions

Why did you do this to me?
Did you really have to break my heart?
What did you see in me?
Did you really think we'd work?
Does it hurt you like it hurts me?
Do you ever think of me?

Scared and Lonely

I'm scared and lonely. I'm jealous of nearly everyone. Everyone who doesn't come home to an empty house and lonliness. I jealous of those people who have someone to spend their time with, even when they are not feeling their best but just don't want to be alone. I am jealous of anyone who is happy. I am jealous of anyone who gets to be his friend, and I am threatened if any of them are eligible. I'm scared I'm going to be left behind. I'm scared I'll never let anyone in again. Everyday I notice myself holding people at arms length, shutting them out. I'm scared I can't love again. I'm scared this is it, this is life. I'm scared it doesn't get any better than this. I'm scared the pain and the depression will always follow me. They will always waiting in the shadows.

I am lost and confused. Confused about the future and the past. Confused about the purpose of all that has happened. I am confused about what I should think, how I should view it. I am confused because everyone tells me something different. I am lost because...because everything I have been doing has got me nowhere-it's not worked. I'm lost because I am out of ideas, where do I go what do I do. I am dissatisfied. What is the reason for me to get out of bed? Who or what am I living for and how does that translate into my everyday life. I have no great purpose. Everyday is the same, why get through the week to have to do it again, to endure the monotony.

Moments of Joy

A hand on my back,
A squeeze on my shoulder.
Watching TV under the Duvet.
Sitting down after a long day.
Big Pear hugs.

Coffee and a book.

Standing under a bridge as cars roar overhead.
(Small, scared but safe)
The first moment of the day, between sleep and awake.
(Simply existing, momentarily under the radar.)

Loving Longing

Loving longing;
Poetic and noble.
For you?
For the idea of you?
The ideal, or the memory?

I don't even know how I feel anymore.

Self Harm

If I were to cut myself,
I would bleed thoughts of you.
If I were to bleed,
I would only breed thoughts of you.

First and the last.

You're the last person I want to see,
You're the only person I think about.
O, how I think of you.
How many are the thoughts of you!
I wake up thinking of you.

And my blood, it longs for you;
And if not you it longs to be split.
Split so you may flow out of me,
Out of my body,
Out of my dreams and my life,
Out of my mind.

This is Love

This is love.
Watching you in your room,
Like a child watches their Mum.
Not saying much.
Not saying anything.
Just enjoying your presence,
Your smile,
And the way you talk to yourself.

19

How quickly do my emotions forget my God.
How readily does my love turn stale.

If Only

You are sleepless nights and crying 'til 3.
You are nausea, anxiety, confusion.
You are the hard shoulder on the M1.
You are misery and thoughts of self harm.
You are daydreams of opportunities missed;
Things that could have been.
You are the face of strangers in the street.
You are mental instability.
You are dreams of marital bliss.

You are my regrets.
You are my shortcomings.
You are my failure.
You are my -'If only'

Novacaine

I should have been better.
I should have tried harder.
I should have loved more.

Lament the past.
Regret mistakes.
Drown out your thoughts.

Telly on.
Brain off.

Dream

I had a dream last night,
Strange and unlikely,
Still I wish it was true.

We had the chance to be happy.
The past did not exist.
We were free to start again.

It will play on my mind.
It will assume a false significance,
I will hope for no more dreams.

Compliment

'How can anyone survive without you, after having experienced you?'

Eyes

You ask me:
'Why won't you look me in the eyes?'

How can I?
Why should I?
What good would it do?
What could I possibly see?
The memory of the man I loved?
Or the image of the man you have become without me?
I could not bear to see either!
So no, I won't look you in the eyes.