First Day

I'm up and ready stupidly early with that uneasy feeling that I have forgotten to do something. Am I excited? Not really. I'm scared but not really. It is slightly daunting to have a job, an adult job. It's wierd to look for something for so long and finally get it. So far it's not been the answer to all my problems I hoped it would (although it hasn't started yet). There was always a part of me that liked not having a job, that enjoyed pleasing myself.

It's strange being back. I had a great Easter- I could say amazing without exaggerating too much. London seems a lighter place. For once I wanted to come back to London. Yet since I've been back I've been in a funk. My thoughts have been confused, full on conteplating life with a job, where I am going to live and how I am going to manage my money. O and thoughts of Him. How stupid I am. I must be a glutton for punishment. Yet it seems the closer I am to him (either in time left before I have to face him or geographically) the greater the thoughts of him. It didn't help driving through his area, past the pub and the park we went to in the early days. The early days when we were happy and loved each other, when he had time for me and when we weren't wading deeper and deeper into sin. I don't cry about it anymore (well I only cry about it occasionally). Most of the time I do wish I could cry about it.

Over Easter I watched persuasion with a friend. If i lived in Austin world then it would all work out in the end. Unfortunately I live in the real world where I don't know if the old adage 'if its meant to be, it's meant to be' isn't a load of old trollop that's meant to be comforting but isn't in the slightest. That said there was a line that I felt described the situation more aptly than I could have hope to. 'Now they were as strangers; nay, worse than strangers, for they could never become aquainted. It was a perpetual estrangement.'

The words 'perpertual enstrangement' have been swimming around in my head ever since. I like the word perpertual it's almost onomatopeaic, sounding repetitive. It summarizes my feelings and the apparent hopelessness of the situation.

O how silly I am. I bet he hasn't given me a second thought. Yet all I think about is him. Why can't I grow up and move on? Why can't I get him out of my head?

I Got It!

I got the job afterall. In a strange twist of fate, the other person didn't want the job. God is good.

Recurring Dream

So I dreamt about him again, this time we were having a dance lesson in my (long dead) Grandad's front room. As always there were a few of us from church, and as always I could speak to him like anyone else and as always I was content. Apparently to stop a recurring dream you must analyse it, apparently they are your sub-concious telling you about some unresolved issue- well I had worked that out at least. So I want to be friends, I want to be happy and I want to feel part of the social group at church. I guess the dancing represents something I am confident with. Yet another area of my life that I am unhappy about but relatively powerless to do anything about.

It annoys me that I can control (or try to) control my thoughts all day but my dreams I cannot control. I haven't seen him in a fortnight, managed to barely think about him and then comes a dream. Now guess what I am thinking about. It also annoys me when people suggest I should just get over it, as if it is something I can do. Well as much as try in the day, as much as I can attempt to control my concious, dreams will quite literally have a mind of their own.

I suppose that's the thing about these dreams that puts me in such a funk. They are the sign that I cannot control my thoughts. They remind me that I am not over it when I like to pretend I am.

Job

I didn't get the job. I'm not disappointed though, I suppose getting an interview was a privaledge, getting to the last two was anunexpected blessing.

Despite getting my hopes up and planning the life I could have had if I had got it. So now I suppose it's back to the job hunt.

A Great Weekend

Wow I had a great weekend, tiring and possibly stressful but definitely something I have missed. Looking at the photos on facebook made me want to be back there.

It was great to have a purpose and be around people and part of a community. I am wondering if I would like living communally permanently. I felt so privileged to be leader, part of God's work and able to see him work. The Q&A session was powerful, also upsetting. I still need to learn to forgive myself for what I perceive as stupidity and naivety. Had a really great chat with my room-mate about depression and Christianity and life. I realised that I'm not the only Christian who has been or is depressed- ergo I am not a terrible Christian. I discovered that people I have looked up to and respected and even been jealous of have been depressed. I also began to realise that having a job, or money to go out, wouldn't necessarily have prevented me from being depressed. I can stop wondering why God didn't allow me the simple things I believe would have kept me happy. I wonder if maybe He wanted me to rely on Him.

I also for the first time how disgustingly sinful I am. That might sound harsh to some, but I am so full of pride and selfishness and arrogance that deep down I am not a nice person. I judge people and deem them unworthy of their gifts from God, really we are all unworthy and God is graceful. These are things I have heard so many times but there is a difference between knowing and understanding.

This weekend God definitely spoke about fully understanding truths that we may have grown up with. He also wants us to love Him with our hearts and not to rely on legalism or our own efforts.

'It is God who arms me with strength

and makes my way perfect. '

Psalm 18:32

On Tuesday I attended a trial shift at the Music Shop to discover I am one of two people in the running for the job. God is great because I don't have any musical talent or sales experience. If I get the job the glory will be all God's because I have very little to recommend me for the job. If I get the job because the other candidate doesn't get in touch then I have done nothing to get the job. What appears to be fluke or luck to some, I see as God working miracles in my life. Suddenly I begin to wonder if this was God's plan. If I had gained a job I was qualified for I would have felt I earned it on my own merits. The possibility of getting a job I am not necessarily qualified for makes me see any job as an undeserved gift from God. Has this past year of failings been God hammering down my arrogance, self reliance and self righteousness? I am going to be careful about speculating, I have done so many times before and ended up wrong and disappointed. You can't second guess God.

OK so 5 things to be thankful for (other than the afore mentioned)

1: Monday Night with Debs
2: Food (the food over the weekend was immense)
3: Evening with my Dad, and it not being painful.
4: Being back with my family again.
5: The Internet.

Praise the Lord for the little things.

5 Good things for Tuesday

Started off bad, got myself into a funk.

1: Today was a productive day.
2: Getting my video edited (although I didn't have the music grrr)
3: Time spent with my family on the Wii
4: Feeling like I acheived something.
5: Not breaking my fast.

Loneliness

There is a loneliness deep inside me.
It's untouchable.
I feel it in a crowded room.
I feel it when you hold my hand.
I feel it when you draw close.
My loneliness is untouchable,
And so is my pain.

Hope

What is hope? It's a good thing right? It's believing in a future, confident it will be better. And I have a hope, as a Christian I have a hope beyond this world- heaven. As a Christian I can hope in the promises of the Bible, that God has plans for me (to prosper me, blessings in this world and the next). But life has taught me that hope leads to disappointment. I have hoped for so many things over the past year; I dared to hope I had found my husband; I dared to hope that post uni life would be an adventure; I dared to hope living with friends would deepen our friendship; and each time I apply for a job I dare to hope that this might be the job I get. I dared to hope that 2008 would be the best year of my life, and it had all the makings of a great year. How cruelly have my hopes been dashed repeatedly. So now I would rather not hope to save disappointment- does hope outweigh the disappointment that ensues? Is a life without hope even bearable, even possible?

I do have hope, hope for the future and hope beyond the grave. But should hope be vague - things will work out somehow, somehow they'll get better? Dare I hope specifically. Dare I hope I will get this job? Dare I hope this is the start of something new?

Pondering

It feels like every moment of the day is a crossroads. I can either keep trying keep battling on or go back to bed and effectively give up. It's so tiring, to constantly have to encourage and motivate yourself. Nothing comes naturally anymore, everything is an effort, nothing can be taken for granted. Ultimatley when I argue with myself I lose, because when I wonder if I really have to get out of bed, the answer is 'I don't have to but I should'. Eventually that answer isn't good enough or compelling enough and I stay in bed. Depression is a downward spiral and it seems to take one wrong thought, one wrong action,one morning in bed and I am spiralling down again. Sometimes I don't notice it happen until it's to late, sometimes I notice it but nothing breaks the cycle.

I've spent so long here that, in a strange way I am comfortable here. There are some perks, lie ins, self pity, and an excuse not to do lots of things. There was a time when my comfort zone was massive and all encompassing. I was full of confidence and motivation. Now my comfort zone barely extends out of my bed, I lack confidence even with my friends. And motivation? I'm doing what I should because there is no choice. There is no other option, giving up isn't an option because what is giving up? Suicide? Hiding in my bed for the rest of my life and letting the rest of my life slowly fall apart, until I am a sad recluse? No the further into this I get the harder it is going to be to get out- and it is already so hard.

Monday

Still so much I want to write about but as time goes on they become less and less important. Been busy applying to jobs and registering with agencies. It feels good to be taking life by the horns, taking control and that's what self harm is about a lot of the time. I am fed up of letting life happen to me and while ultimately I cannot change a lot of things. I refuse to continue feeling helpless I am going to do everything I can to improve my life and take control. We'll see how long this energy lasts.

So I will finish with what appears to becoming a habit; 5 good things about today.

1: Being home.
2: Going the park with my brothers.
3: Spending time with my family.
4: Taking control/doing something about my life.
5: Talking to Tawnie Owl.

Just a quick one.

Oh dear there is so much that I want to write about but it is gone midnight I was up since six and I really should go to bed. It'll all have to wait until the morning. Now I'll just write my five good things about today-and I'm not short of them.

1: Debs wedding.
2: Being useful.
3: Being around people.
4: Bumping into Kate, someone I hardly know but talking like we know each other well.
5: Coming home to my bed made and my Mum waiting up for me. (OK so that can be counted as two.)

Missed Turnings and Dead Ends

How did I get to this place? At some point in the last year there was a time to stop mourning and a time to start living. A time to stop hurting and a time to renew friendship, a time to forget the past and let go of my mistakes. There was a point where I should have stopped being kind to myself (allowing myself to grieve), I should have "pulled myself together" and got up, got out of bed and got on with life. When was I supposed to stop looking back and start looking forward? I missed the memo.

But I am in this place, I missed the turning point. Perhaps if things had been different, timings had been different. Would I have been spared all this misery if I had had a job and a distraction, a companion and a home, money and a hope for the future? I would like to live this year again, to be better at it, to be stronger and more tenacious. Yet I never want to live a year like this again. I would like to see what I could have been without this holding me down. What I could have been and where I could have been now? I'm sure I could have been great!

How did I get to this place? What am I going to to do to get out? - And I will.

5 good things about today.

1: Sunny
2: I had a reason to get out of bed.
3: Catch up chat with David
4: Having a long and honest talk.
5: Spending a bit of time with my friends in town.

This House is a Prison

I spend too long here.
Filling the hours between sleep and sleep.
The lonely hours.

Florists

They're very rude sometimes, I have just been ringing round to get some prices for a friends wedding. I know ordering flowers three days before the wedding is late notice. But it's not like we've been sat round doing nothing. Thinking to ourselves 'lets leave flowers to the last minute'. If you want my money then be polite to me and tell me what you you can do at such short notice. Don't tell me it's late notice, I know, I'm not stupid.

And why are they so stupidly exspensive? Normally £10 gets you a very decent bunch of flowers, so why is the minimum £25. I know it's going to cost more to tie them and make them presentable but £15 more? Why does a single buttonhole cost £4.50 for one flower? I'm not ordering rare flowers flown over from the Himalayas, We just want simple and understated and anything that is in season.

Crying

I cry because I am scared and lonely.
I cry because I am lost and alone.

I cry because I can't see a way out.
I cry because this pain is overwhelming.
I cry because life seems never ending.

I cry because I am not alone.
I cry because I will never be alone.
I cry because I have a future.

I cry because I am loved more than I can comprehend.
I cry because my God has a plan for me.
I cry because He draws me close and comforts me.

I cry because I don't deserve this;
Yet He loves me all the same.

Dreams

I had another dream. They're always happy dreams, but they remind me how unhappy I am. They remind me of my hurts and my regrets and my "what could have been"s. I always wake up disappointed they're not true. I don't think it's a coincidence that when I have them I have an amazing nights sleep. You must have the capacity to be happy or unhappy in your sleep, content or discontent. I like the dreams because they make sleep an even more pleasant experience than it already is (sleep being my favourite activity). But they also torment me, these dreams are both pleasant and nightmares.

They always seem to have a significance about them, like they mean something. I believe dreams can be prophetic and I have had prophetic dreams before. My Mum has had scarily accurate prophetic dreams. I can't decide if these dreams are memories of the past, wishful thinking or promises of things to come?

At the very least they are escapism and I think I'd like more of them. If only to be content for a few hours.