First Day

I'm up and ready stupidly early with that uneasy feeling that I have forgotten to do something. Am I excited? Not really. I'm scared but not really. It is slightly daunting to have a job, an adult job. It's wierd to look for something for so long and finally get it. So far it's not been the answer to all my problems I hoped it would (although it hasn't started yet). There was always a part of me that liked not having a job, that enjoyed pleasing myself.

It's strange being back. I had a great Easter- I could say amazing without exaggerating too much. London seems a lighter place. For once I wanted to come back to London. Yet since I've been back I've been in a funk. My thoughts have been confused, full on conteplating life with a job, where I am going to live and how I am going to manage my money. O and thoughts of Him. How stupid I am. I must be a glutton for punishment. Yet it seems the closer I am to him (either in time left before I have to face him or geographically) the greater the thoughts of him. It didn't help driving through his area, past the pub and the park we went to in the early days. The early days when we were happy and loved each other, when he had time for me and when we weren't wading deeper and deeper into sin. I don't cry about it anymore (well I only cry about it occasionally). Most of the time I do wish I could cry about it.

Over Easter I watched persuasion with a friend. If i lived in Austin world then it would all work out in the end. Unfortunately I live in the real world where I don't know if the old adage 'if its meant to be, it's meant to be' isn't a load of old trollop that's meant to be comforting but isn't in the slightest. That said there was a line that I felt described the situation more aptly than I could have hope to. 'Now they were as strangers; nay, worse than strangers, for they could never become aquainted. It was a perpetual estrangement.'

The words 'perpertual enstrangement' have been swimming around in my head ever since. I like the word perpertual it's almost onomatopeaic, sounding repetitive. It summarizes my feelings and the apparent hopelessness of the situation.

O how silly I am. I bet he hasn't given me a second thought. Yet all I think about is him. Why can't I grow up and move on? Why can't I get him out of my head?