5 Good things for Tuesday

Started off bad, got myself into a funk.

1: Today was a productive day.
2: Getting my video edited (although I didn't have the music grrr)
3: Time spent with my family on the Wii
4: Feeling like I acheived something.
5: Not breaking my fast.

Loneliness

There is a loneliness deep inside me.
It's untouchable.
I feel it in a crowded room.
I feel it when you hold my hand.
I feel it when you draw close.
My loneliness is untouchable,
And so is my pain.

Hope

What is hope? It's a good thing right? It's believing in a future, confident it will be better. And I have a hope, as a Christian I have a hope beyond this world- heaven. As a Christian I can hope in the promises of the Bible, that God has plans for me (to prosper me, blessings in this world and the next). But life has taught me that hope leads to disappointment. I have hoped for so many things over the past year; I dared to hope I had found my husband; I dared to hope that post uni life would be an adventure; I dared to hope living with friends would deepen our friendship; and each time I apply for a job I dare to hope that this might be the job I get. I dared to hope that 2008 would be the best year of my life, and it had all the makings of a great year. How cruelly have my hopes been dashed repeatedly. So now I would rather not hope to save disappointment- does hope outweigh the disappointment that ensues? Is a life without hope even bearable, even possible?

I do have hope, hope for the future and hope beyond the grave. But should hope be vague - things will work out somehow, somehow they'll get better? Dare I hope specifically. Dare I hope I will get this job? Dare I hope this is the start of something new?

Pondering

It feels like every moment of the day is a crossroads. I can either keep trying keep battling on or go back to bed and effectively give up. It's so tiring, to constantly have to encourage and motivate yourself. Nothing comes naturally anymore, everything is an effort, nothing can be taken for granted. Ultimatley when I argue with myself I lose, because when I wonder if I really have to get out of bed, the answer is 'I don't have to but I should'. Eventually that answer isn't good enough or compelling enough and I stay in bed. Depression is a downward spiral and it seems to take one wrong thought, one wrong action,one morning in bed and I am spiralling down again. Sometimes I don't notice it happen until it's to late, sometimes I notice it but nothing breaks the cycle.

I've spent so long here that, in a strange way I am comfortable here. There are some perks, lie ins, self pity, and an excuse not to do lots of things. There was a time when my comfort zone was massive and all encompassing. I was full of confidence and motivation. Now my comfort zone barely extends out of my bed, I lack confidence even with my friends. And motivation? I'm doing what I should because there is no choice. There is no other option, giving up isn't an option because what is giving up? Suicide? Hiding in my bed for the rest of my life and letting the rest of my life slowly fall apart, until I am a sad recluse? No the further into this I get the harder it is going to be to get out- and it is already so hard.

Monday

Still so much I want to write about but as time goes on they become less and less important. Been busy applying to jobs and registering with agencies. It feels good to be taking life by the horns, taking control and that's what self harm is about a lot of the time. I am fed up of letting life happen to me and while ultimately I cannot change a lot of things. I refuse to continue feeling helpless I am going to do everything I can to improve my life and take control. We'll see how long this energy lasts.

So I will finish with what appears to becoming a habit; 5 good things about today.

1: Being home.
2: Going the park with my brothers.
3: Spending time with my family.
4: Taking control/doing something about my life.
5: Talking to Tawnie Owl.

Just a quick one.

Oh dear there is so much that I want to write about but it is gone midnight I was up since six and I really should go to bed. It'll all have to wait until the morning. Now I'll just write my five good things about today-and I'm not short of them.

1: Debs wedding.
2: Being useful.
3: Being around people.
4: Bumping into Kate, someone I hardly know but talking like we know each other well.
5: Coming home to my bed made and my Mum waiting up for me. (OK so that can be counted as two.)

Missed Turnings and Dead Ends

How did I get to this place? At some point in the last year there was a time to stop mourning and a time to start living. A time to stop hurting and a time to renew friendship, a time to forget the past and let go of my mistakes. There was a point where I should have stopped being kind to myself (allowing myself to grieve), I should have "pulled myself together" and got up, got out of bed and got on with life. When was I supposed to stop looking back and start looking forward? I missed the memo.

But I am in this place, I missed the turning point. Perhaps if things had been different, timings had been different. Would I have been spared all this misery if I had had a job and a distraction, a companion and a home, money and a hope for the future? I would like to live this year again, to be better at it, to be stronger and more tenacious. Yet I never want to live a year like this again. I would like to see what I could have been without this holding me down. What I could have been and where I could have been now? I'm sure I could have been great!

How did I get to this place? What am I going to to do to get out? - And I will.