Pondering

It feels like every moment of the day is a crossroads. I can either keep trying keep battling on or go back to bed and effectively give up. It's so tiring, to constantly have to encourage and motivate yourself. Nothing comes naturally anymore, everything is an effort, nothing can be taken for granted. Ultimatley when I argue with myself I lose, because when I wonder if I really have to get out of bed, the answer is 'I don't have to but I should'. Eventually that answer isn't good enough or compelling enough and I stay in bed. Depression is a downward spiral and it seems to take one wrong thought, one wrong action,one morning in bed and I am spiralling down again. Sometimes I don't notice it happen until it's to late, sometimes I notice it but nothing breaks the cycle.

I've spent so long here that, in a strange way I am comfortable here. There are some perks, lie ins, self pity, and an excuse not to do lots of things. There was a time when my comfort zone was massive and all encompassing. I was full of confidence and motivation. Now my comfort zone barely extends out of my bed, I lack confidence even with my friends. And motivation? I'm doing what I should because there is no choice. There is no other option, giving up isn't an option because what is giving up? Suicide? Hiding in my bed for the rest of my life and letting the rest of my life slowly fall apart, until I am a sad recluse? No the further into this I get the harder it is going to be to get out- and it is already so hard.