Scared and Lonely

I'm scared and lonely. I'm jealous of nearly everyone. Everyone who doesn't come home to an empty house and lonliness. I jealous of those people who have someone to spend their time with, even when they are not feeling their best but just don't want to be alone. I am jealous of anyone who is happy. I am jealous of anyone who gets to be his friend, and I am threatened if any of them are eligible. I'm scared I'm going to be left behind. I'm scared I'll never let anyone in again. Everyday I notice myself holding people at arms length, shutting them out. I'm scared I can't love again. I'm scared this is it, this is life. I'm scared it doesn't get any better than this. I'm scared the pain and the depression will always follow me. They will always waiting in the shadows.

I am lost and confused. Confused about the future and the past. Confused about the purpose of all that has happened. I am confused about what I should think, how I should view it. I am confused because everyone tells me something different. I am lost because...because everything I have been doing has got me nowhere-it's not worked. I'm lost because I am out of ideas, where do I go what do I do. I am dissatisfied. What is the reason for me to get out of bed? Who or what am I living for and how does that translate into my everyday life. I have no great purpose. Everyday is the same, why get through the week to have to do it again, to endure the monotony.