O and five good things from the past few days.
Well.
1: Spending qualitiy time with my little-big brother the BFG. Playing pool together and chatting
2: Getting hugs and physical contact of the BFG. I'm very tactile and feel isolated without physical contact. But I'm funny about who touchs me.
3: BFG is a christian! He hasn't told me yet, my Mum did and God definately has his hand on him.
4: Food, meat and all the other niceties I can't normally afford.
5: Mum being happier.
Monday, 25 May 2009
It's been a while
I've been away a bit. Not had internet at home.
Missed doing my five good things of the day; and there have been a lot of good things.
Enjoying the job. Nice people, both staff ans customers. I like being proud to tell people what i do. I am proud to be providing for myself. I am glad to be getting out of the house. I am challenged to be a good example as a Christian in the work place. It has it's challenges, i'm not a salesperson and i'm not a musician. It's great to get the chance to practice on good quality instruments.
Found somewhere to live after the contract runs out on my house. Moving in with a girl I know from church. Looking forwrd to it, it will be different but I will also be nearer to alot of friends from church. It will be another chapter in my life.
Had a great day on Sunday, when I contemplated missing church to join my family on holiday earlier. Glad I didn't, there was a great sermon on, well, spiritual gifts but looking specifically at prophesy. It scared/challenged me, I had always seen prophesy as the cool spiritual gift. I think i have been challenge to treat it with more respect, it is a powerful weapon of God. But the best thing was being realised from prophesies from the past. One of the hardest things about breaking up with T was that, before I even knew him, everything seemed to point to the idea that the next guy I dated would be the one I married. The preacher talked about how we can get prophesy wrong, that hatch/match/dispatch prophesies are a bad idea. He prayed for release from binding prophesy. They don't have authority over us. I realised, it's ok to have got it wrong, that i probably got it wrong and didn't 'ruin' Gods plan for me (totaly impossible), and that I don't need to make the prophesy come true, by my own means or petitioning God. I still would have liked things to have worked out differently but they didn't. I got it wrong. I keep saying it to myself and it's so freeing.
I have been through enough to know that its a bad idea to cry 'Ureka! I'm cured' but this definately is a step forward.
Missed doing my five good things of the day; and there have been a lot of good things.
Enjoying the job. Nice people, both staff ans customers. I like being proud to tell people what i do. I am proud to be providing for myself. I am glad to be getting out of the house. I am challenged to be a good example as a Christian in the work place. It has it's challenges, i'm not a salesperson and i'm not a musician. It's great to get the chance to practice on good quality instruments.
Found somewhere to live after the contract runs out on my house. Moving in with a girl I know from church. Looking forwrd to it, it will be different but I will also be nearer to alot of friends from church. It will be another chapter in my life.
Had a great day on Sunday, when I contemplated missing church to join my family on holiday earlier. Glad I didn't, there was a great sermon on, well, spiritual gifts but looking specifically at prophesy. It scared/challenged me, I had always seen prophesy as the cool spiritual gift. I think i have been challenge to treat it with more respect, it is a powerful weapon of God. But the best thing was being realised from prophesies from the past. One of the hardest things about breaking up with T was that, before I even knew him, everything seemed to point to the idea that the next guy I dated would be the one I married. The preacher talked about how we can get prophesy wrong, that hatch/match/dispatch prophesies are a bad idea. He prayed for release from binding prophesy. They don't have authority over us. I realised, it's ok to have got it wrong, that i probably got it wrong and didn't 'ruin' Gods plan for me (totaly impossible), and that I don't need to make the prophesy come true, by my own means or petitioning God. I still would have liked things to have worked out differently but they didn't. I got it wrong. I keep saying it to myself and it's so freeing.
I have been through enough to know that its a bad idea to cry 'Ureka! I'm cured' but this definately is a step forward.
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
First Day
I'm up and ready stupidly early with that uneasy feeling that I have forgotten to do something. Am I excited? Not really. I'm scared but not really. It is slightly daunting to have a job, an adult job. It's wierd to look for something for so long and finally get it. So far it's not been the answer to all my problems I hoped it would (although it hasn't started yet). There was always a part of me that liked not having a job, that enjoyed pleasing myself.
It's strange being back. I had a great Easter- I could say amazing without exaggerating too much. London seems a lighter place. For once I wanted to come back to London. Yet since I've been back I've been in a funk. My thoughts have been confused, full on conteplating life with a job, where I am going to live and how I am going to manage my money. O and thoughts of Him. How stupid I am. I must be a glutton for punishment. Yet it seems the closer I am to him (either in time left before I have to face him or geographically) the greater the thoughts of him. It didn't help driving through his area, past the pub and the park we went to in the early days. The early days when we were happy and loved each other, when he had time for me and when we weren't wading deeper and deeper into sin. I don't cry about it anymore (well I only cry about it occasionally). Most of the time I do wish I could cry about it.
Over Easter I watched persuasion with a friend. If i lived in Austin world then it would all work out in the end. Unfortunately I live in the real world where I don't know if the old adage 'if its meant to be, it's meant to be' isn't a load of old trollop that's meant to be comforting but isn't in the slightest. That said there was a line that I felt described the situation more aptly than I could have hope to. 'Now they were as strangers; nay, worse than strangers, for they could never become aquainted. It was a perpetual estrangement.'
The words 'perpertual enstrangement' have been swimming around in my head ever since. I like the word perpertual it's almost onomatopeaic, sounding repetitive. It summarizes my feelings and the apparent hopelessness of the situation.
O how silly I am. I bet he hasn't given me a second thought. Yet all I think about is him. Why can't I grow up and move on? Why can't I get him out of my head?
It's strange being back. I had a great Easter- I could say amazing without exaggerating too much. London seems a lighter place. For once I wanted to come back to London. Yet since I've been back I've been in a funk. My thoughts have been confused, full on conteplating life with a job, where I am going to live and how I am going to manage my money. O and thoughts of Him. How stupid I am. I must be a glutton for punishment. Yet it seems the closer I am to him (either in time left before I have to face him or geographically) the greater the thoughts of him. It didn't help driving through his area, past the pub and the park we went to in the early days. The early days when we were happy and loved each other, when he had time for me and when we weren't wading deeper and deeper into sin. I don't cry about it anymore (well I only cry about it occasionally). Most of the time I do wish I could cry about it.
Over Easter I watched persuasion with a friend. If i lived in Austin world then it would all work out in the end. Unfortunately I live in the real world where I don't know if the old adage 'if its meant to be, it's meant to be' isn't a load of old trollop that's meant to be comforting but isn't in the slightest. That said there was a line that I felt described the situation more aptly than I could have hope to. 'Now they were as strangers; nay, worse than strangers, for they could never become aquainted. It was a perpetual estrangement.'
The words 'perpertual enstrangement' have been swimming around in my head ever since. I like the word perpertual it's almost onomatopeaic, sounding repetitive. It summarizes my feelings and the apparent hopelessness of the situation.
O how silly I am. I bet he hasn't given me a second thought. Yet all I think about is him. Why can't I grow up and move on? Why can't I get him out of my head?
Friday, 17 April 2009
I Got It!
I got the job afterall. In a strange twist of fate, the other person didn't want the job. God is good.
Recurring Dream
So I dreamt about him again, this time we were having a dance lesson in my (long dead) Grandad's front room. As always there were a few of us from church, and as always I could speak to him like anyone else and as always I was content. Apparently to stop a recurring dream you must analyse it, apparently they are your sub-concious telling you about some unresolved issue- well I had worked that out at least. So I want to be friends, I want to be happy and I want to feel part of the social group at church. I guess the dancing represents something I am confident with. Yet another area of my life that I am unhappy about but relatively powerless to do anything about.
It annoys me that I can control (or try to) control my thoughts all day but my dreams I cannot control. I haven't seen him in a fortnight, managed to barely think about him and then comes a dream. Now guess what I am thinking about. It also annoys me when people suggest I should just get over it, as if it is something I can do. Well as much as try in the day, as much as I can attempt to control my concious, dreams will quite literally have a mind of their own.
I suppose that's the thing about these dreams that puts me in such a funk. They are the sign that I cannot control my thoughts. They remind me that I am not over it when I like to pretend I am.
It annoys me that I can control (or try to) control my thoughts all day but my dreams I cannot control. I haven't seen him in a fortnight, managed to barely think about him and then comes a dream. Now guess what I am thinking about. It also annoys me when people suggest I should just get over it, as if it is something I can do. Well as much as try in the day, as much as I can attempt to control my concious, dreams will quite literally have a mind of their own.
I suppose that's the thing about these dreams that puts me in such a funk. They are the sign that I cannot control my thoughts. They remind me that I am not over it when I like to pretend I am.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Job
I didn't get the job. I'm not disappointed though, I suppose getting an interview was a privaledge, getting to the last two was anunexpected blessing.
Despite getting my hopes up and planning the life I could have had if I had got it. So now I suppose it's back to the job hunt.
Despite getting my hopes up and planning the life I could have had if I had got it. So now I suppose it's back to the job hunt.
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
A Great Weekend
Wow I had a great weekend, tiring and possibly stressful but definitely something I have missed. Looking at the photos on facebook made me want to be back there.
It was great to have a purpose and be around people and part of a community. I am wondering if I would like living communally permanently. I felt so privileged to be leader, part of God's work and able to see him work. The Q&A session was powerful, also upsetting. I still need to learn to forgive myself for what I perceive as stupidity and naivety. Had a really great chat with my room-mate about depression and Christianity and life. I realised that I'm not the only Christian who has been or is depressed- ergo I am not a terrible Christian. I discovered that people I have looked up to and respected and even been jealous of have been depressed. I also began to realise that having a job, or money to go out, wouldn't necessarily have prevented me from being depressed. I can stop wondering why God didn't allow me the simple things I believe would have kept me happy. I wonder if maybe He wanted me to rely on Him.
I also for the first time how disgustingly sinful I am. That might sound harsh to some, but I am so full of pride and selfishness and arrogance that deep down I am not a nice person. I judge people and deem them unworthy of their gifts from God, really we are all unworthy and God is graceful. These are things I have heard so many times but there is a difference between knowing and understanding.
This weekend God definitely spoke about fully understanding truths that we may have grown up with. He also wants us to love Him with our hearts and not to rely on legalism or our own efforts.
On Tuesday I attended a trial shift at the Music Shop to discover I am one of two people in the running for the job. God is great because I don't have any musical talent or sales experience. If I get the job the glory will be all God's because I have very little to recommend me for the job. If I get the job because the other candidate doesn't get in touch then I have done nothing to get the job. What appears to be fluke or luck to some, I see as God working miracles in my life. Suddenly I begin to wonder if this was God's plan. If I had gained a job I was qualified for I would have felt I earned it on my own merits. The possibility of getting a job I am not necessarily qualified for makes me see any job as an undeserved gift from God. Has this past year of failings been God hammering down my arrogance, self reliance and self righteousness? I am going to be careful about speculating, I have done so many times before and ended up wrong and disappointed. You can't second guess God.
OK so 5 things to be thankful for (other than the afore mentioned)
1: Monday Night with Debs
2: Food (the food over the weekend was immense)
3: Evening with my Dad, and it not being painful.
4: Being back with my family again.
5: The Internet.
Praise the Lord for the little things.
It was great to have a purpose and be around people and part of a community. I am wondering if I would like living communally permanently. I felt so privileged to be leader, part of God's work and able to see him work. The Q&A session was powerful, also upsetting. I still need to learn to forgive myself for what I perceive as stupidity and naivety. Had a really great chat with my room-mate about depression and Christianity and life. I realised that I'm not the only Christian who has been or is depressed- ergo I am not a terrible Christian. I discovered that people I have looked up to and respected and even been jealous of have been depressed. I also began to realise that having a job, or money to go out, wouldn't necessarily have prevented me from being depressed. I can stop wondering why God didn't allow me the simple things I believe would have kept me happy. I wonder if maybe He wanted me to rely on Him.
I also for the first time how disgustingly sinful I am. That might sound harsh to some, but I am so full of pride and selfishness and arrogance that deep down I am not a nice person. I judge people and deem them unworthy of their gifts from God, really we are all unworthy and God is graceful. These are things I have heard so many times but there is a difference between knowing and understanding.
This weekend God definitely spoke about fully understanding truths that we may have grown up with. He also wants us to love Him with our hearts and not to rely on legalism or our own efforts.
'It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect. '
Psalm 18:32
On Tuesday I attended a trial shift at the Music Shop to discover I am one of two people in the running for the job. God is great because I don't have any musical talent or sales experience. If I get the job the glory will be all God's because I have very little to recommend me for the job. If I get the job because the other candidate doesn't get in touch then I have done nothing to get the job. What appears to be fluke or luck to some, I see as God working miracles in my life. Suddenly I begin to wonder if this was God's plan. If I had gained a job I was qualified for I would have felt I earned it on my own merits. The possibility of getting a job I am not necessarily qualified for makes me see any job as an undeserved gift from God. Has this past year of failings been God hammering down my arrogance, self reliance and self righteousness? I am going to be careful about speculating, I have done so many times before and ended up wrong and disappointed. You can't second guess God.
OK so 5 things to be thankful for (other than the afore mentioned)
1: Monday Night with Debs
2: Food (the food over the weekend was immense)
3: Evening with my Dad, and it not being painful.
4: Being back with my family again.
5: The Internet.
Praise the Lord for the little things.
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